BEAR ON THE PORCH

The Canadian Wildlife Federation asked recently, “How do you connect with wildlife”?

Did I complain when the Bohemian Waxwings pooped on my car in technicolour?

First pass was on their way from the Mountain Ash. Orange splashes. The second pass was on their way from the crab apple tree. Red splashes. Dear little creatures of nature, the colours clash.
We share the red currants, raspberries, strawberries and cherries with the birdies – provided I net the bushes in time.

Now, this is about that blasted squirrel nesting in the woodpile. It is our woodpile you noisy little twit. I would like you to obey city bylaws: no fair chattering with a megaphone, in the tree next to the window except between 7 AM And 10 PM, and if that isn't the bylaw, it should be.

The baby squirrels are superior entertainment though. They are hilarious as they learn how to navigate a tree and stay in it at the same time. Little hind legs furiously paw in midair while little front paws cling with all the cling nature gave them. Mama loudly gives instructions, but how the heck is a guy supposed to do that? “Look Ma – two p-aaahhh”.

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I'm mean to mice. I did them all in, moved the birdseed into a metal garbage can and dispersed the lurking cats, with their fat little tummies, back to their own places of residence. That was right after they did their cat duty and lowered the population faster than a planned parenthood protocol.

At the lake, I leave all sorts of natural homes for bats, birds, squirrels, ducks and rabbits. Regrettably, a number of these homes are in and under the cabin. I invite snakes, skunks and porcupines to move right along, which they don't. I am of two minds about supporting Canada geese in any manner, along with everyone else on the continent.

The mole and I are friendly. He/she makes piles of dirt – many piles of dirt – and I put it all in the flower garden.

I am a city girl. I had no idea there could be this much wildlife nearby and right in the city. I am right in there teaching the grandkidlets how wildlife affects us and vice versa, i.e. the wildlife wins always. The bears and the cougar have curtailed our rambles through the woods alas. The water is so high there is no beach, so we watch the minnows in the caragana hedge and do laps in the yard with the dog. Never pat the cougar I always say.

I understand I have planted a plum tree for the local black bear. He/she came right up to the porch and told me so. He/she hasn't been back since I grabbed the wind chimes and rang them as hard as I could, right in his/her ear.

I don't care to think about the wild pigs, thank you. I yell at the neighbours cats, which aren't wild, but I am, when they dig up the flowers while looking for the outhouse. The outhouse was named 'spinnen haus' because of its vast number of spiders.

We all curse the coyotes, silently of course, because of the vast number of grandkidlets, and everyone plots the demise of the crows.

So, Canadian Wildlife Foundation, I am sorry to end this on a deadly note, but remember, I didn't complain when the Bohemian Waxwings pooped on the car, in technicolour, which clashed.