Dear Married Without a Connection….

I don’t feel like I need to be “hot and heavy” with my husband anymore…but I do miss the feeling and connection that we used to have.

I guess I feel lonely.

I know my husband loves me…but I feel like there’s this void in my life.

What do I do?? Am I asking for too much at this point in my life?

Signed,

Married Without Connection

Dear Married Without Connection,

You are certainly not asking for too much – never doubt for a minute that you are worthy of love and connection at any point in your relationship. Good for you for recognizing this natural need for intimacy with the person you chose as your life-partner.

You are not alone in your predicament. Changes in intimacy in long-term relationships are totally normal. Couples in it for the long haul will cycle through phases of intimacy and physical closeness throughout their journey of couple hood.

And the way we express ourselves physically with our partner will change, depending on what stage of life we’re at.

Raising children, building our careers, meeting family obligations…we become so busy with life, that we start to override our need to engage in physical connection with our partners. We start to put any notions of sex way, way on the back burner. The hustle and bustle of life distracts us from the basic human need for intimacy and physical closeness.

Fortunately, no matter how long it’s been, you absolutely can bring intimacy and closeness back into your relationship. But – it won’t come without hard work and an honest effort.

So, Married Without Connection, you’ve acknowledged the problem – here are a few practical suggestions to help you bring some intimacy and closeness back into your relationship.

· Put yourself first. I assume you’ve put your husband and children before yourself in pretty much every regard for the last several decades. It’s time to put the focus back on yourself. Good love starts with self-love. People who take care of themselves have a natural sex appeal. Whatever it is that you like to do, make a serious intention to find time for that from now on. And please, Married Without Connection – learn to say “NO”. Learning to say no is a radical act of self-love. From this point forward, I give you full permission to say “no” to anything and everything you so choose.

· Make every day sensual. Candlelight is non-optional, any time of day. Use the best of everything that you have – no saving for later! Make simple breakfasts and place it on that china you never use. Take the time to sit down and indulge in one another’s company before you start the day. (Bonus points for al-fresco dining). If he’s a late sleeper – bring him breakfast in bed, give him a quick kiss and a word of affection, then use the time to do something nice for yourself.

· Do nice things for yourself. This is key to having a sensual relationship with somebody else. You can’t expect intimacy with another person if you don’t know how to be intimate with yourself. After you bring your hubby that breakfast in bed, take twenty minutes do one of the following: one of the activities you’ve recently taken up (see above); carefully apply your makeup; do some stretching (Essentrics, anyone?), sit outside with a hot beverage; write some thoughts out in your journal; enjoy quality time with a pet; sing and dance along to your favourite songs.

· Look nice. Don’t you love when your husband is freshly shaved, smelling good, and sharply dressed? And why does it take a wedding once a year for that to happen? Well sister – turn the mirror on yourself. When is the last time you went on a shopping spree, or put on a dress without an occasion? Do you know your signature scent? Take a little time to style your hair and accessorize your outfits; simple makeup never hurt anyone. Instead of changing into scrubby clothes, wear an apron over your good clothes to make meals and do housework – there’s something very fetching and fun about an apron. Buy yourself the nicest sleepwear that you can afford and start to use a dressing gown. And do not forget to moisturize.

– Love Languages – “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman is a must read. Learn yours, learn your husband’s, and learn to speak them fluently. Go online, do the simple quiz, and use this powerful information to your advantage. In a nutshell, the Five Love Languages are: Words of Affection; Acts of Service; Quality Time; Physical Touch; and Gifts. Once you dial into yours and your husband’s love languages, you can start yourselves on a trajectory towards greater closeness and love. Take the quiz here: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

You may be wondering why my advice applies mostly to you. I’m asking you to focus on yourself because we need to role model to our partners the kind of love we accept and expect. When he sees you treating yourself with care and sensuality, you are teaching him what you want. When he sees you running yourself ragged, putting yourself last, and essentially doing nothing kind for yourself – he will naturally follow suit and treat you the same way.

It may seem frustrating that your husband can’t read your mind by this point, but it’s just the way the universe works – we get what we give. You need to give yourself love, intimacy, and connection, before you can start to expect any from him.

Then, think of how you can start to give him the kind of love that you would like to feel. Again, “The 5 Love Languages” is a very helpful tool if you don’t know where to start. It’s an oldie but a goodie, one I refer to again and again and again.

Remember, your partner has emotions and feelings too, even if they aren’t at the surface. He wants to feel loved, cared for, and special, too.

If you build a relationship of intimacy with yourself first, you can then rebuild a foundation of intimacy and sensuality with your husband. Then, you can start to think about adding sex back into the equation.

Sometimes, there aren’t quick solutions. Put these steps into practice for a few months, Married Without Connection, then write me again and we’ll take it from there.

And remember, though you may be lacking a physical connection right now, there is still so much that you and your husband do share – life experiences, a home, family memories. Appreciate this special bond you and your husband have together; appreciation for him and your life together will go a long way towards building a foundation of intimacy.

Wishing you all the love and connection in the world,

Carrie

Have a problem or something you could use advice on? Send your questions about health, relationships, and life in general to hellodearcarrie@gmail.com

by Dear Carrie

Dear Married Without a Connection….

Dear Married Without Connection,

Have a problem or something you could use advice on? Send your questions about health, relationships, and life in general to hellodearcarrie@gmail.com

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