All Behavior is Communication

All behaviour is communication.This is, perhaps, one of the most important concepts for a Behavioural Consultant to know.

The problem and struggle in understanding behaviours is that we do not all speak the same language. I remember when I was a child my brother came back from India and told me about the many things he had learned there. He learned a little bit of Tamil and would share some of the language with me. One of the unique communication lessons he shared with me was the different head movements they used. He said they would bob their heads side to side for a “yes” and nod for “no.” All behavior is communication but we do not all interpret the different movements or actions the same way .

All behaviour is communication but how do we know what is being communicated? We learn to ask the right questions and gather the right information.

The other day, my son was jumping on the stairs while I was in the room under the stairs. I interpreted this as his frustrated behavior, as he sometimes stomps up the stairs when he is mad. I yelled from below to stop the behavior (I know, good example right?) so that it would not disturb any neighbors. Later, I went and asked him why he was stopping on the stairs. He told me that he was trying to be funny. He was not feeling at all what I thought. Instead he was just having fun. My child is too often serious and needs to have fun. Now I feel bad for misinterpreting (although I do have to tell him that stomping on the stairs is not a good thing because it will carry to the neighbouring apartments).

All behaviour is communication, so what can I do to understand what my child is telling me? This is the struggle with all forms of communication; making sure we receive the message that we are intended to receive.

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There are a lot of different and sometimes overly complex words used to look at discovering the purpose or function of the behaviour. I find it easier to often start at the end and work my way back to the beginning. When a behavior is a problem, I start with what happens after the behaviour. This tells me whether the behaviour is to escape something or to get something. This is not always clear and can be a mixed motivation but it certainly gives more information about why a behaviour is used. I next look at the immediate situation or context. What is happening right now (is it boring, difficult, getting in the way of something more fun)? Finally I look at the day and the week leading up to this event, are there things that are not ordinary, things that could make things more challenging (skipping a meal, a parent out of town, change of season). This is the basic ABC tracking that is used to help understand the reason for certain behaviors and to understand what that behavior might be giving to the child in order to know what the child is saying.

All behaviour is communication and it is important we know what they are telling us before we respond.

When we see our children doing things we don’t like: hitting others, saying mean things, taking stuff, and other outbursts our sense of what it means to be a good parent is suddenly challenged. We often feel like we have failed, perhaps think others may be judging us or feeling threatened as the school may be calling about a suspension. Before we let our fears initial reactions drive us to respond, let’s find out what is happening first.

Too often we ground, taking away games or privileges or other fun things before we understand why something is happening. Take some time to figure out what purpose the behavior serves. Start to look at the context of the behaviour. For instance, hitting another child can be: self-protection, a game (when the other child reacts in certain ways), a communication problem (frustration at not being heard or being taken advantage of), or escape from something else.

Escape behaviours occur for a variety of reasons. Children try to escape tasks that they find frustrating, painful, intimidating, and frightening. Imagine you were forced to run around a gym for 15 minutes (some people can easily do that but others of us struggle with this) but if you just punched someone you could sit and read in a comfortable chair and everyone would leave you alone. If we are feeling really good one day, no aches and pains, we might try to run it. If we are feeling sore, tired, discouraged we’d probably punch someone before arriving at the gym.

All behaviour is communication, so I guess it’s now time to start working on our listening skills.

Eric Bailey MMFT, School Based Counsellor

Catholic Family Services