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I’m a new mom. My baby boy just turned five months old, and I love him so, so much. I literally have always dreamt of being a mom.
I don’t know how to say it, but…
The reality of this isn’t always what I thought it would be. I breastfeed my baby, just like I always wanted to, and my partner is here. But I feel like I’m doing everything on my own, and I’m getting so tired.
There are times when it’s perfect and everything I thought it would be…
But there are times when I feel completely exhausted and frustrated. Sometimes, I just close the bathroom door and cry.
Am I having postpartum depression?
Am I a good mom??
Signed,
Exhausted
You are doing a good job.
In the age of social media, carefully stylized Instagram posts will lead us to believe that every other mom is perfectly coiffed and well-dressed, with sweet little angelic babies that never fuss and sleep eight hours through the night.
Well – good for them.
But, Dear Exhausted, the actual truth is:
Most mothers don’t want to show photographic evidence of her frustration when baby won’t go down for a nap, yet again.
Most mothers won’t create Instagram reels of baby screaming at them at 3:00am in the morning.
Most mothers won’t post snaps of themselves with bad hair and pale skin after weeks of terrible sleep, ready to admit utter defeat.
And they certainly won’t write lengthy posts about the frustration they feel at their partners, and at society at large…
But – trust me -we all experience the ups and downs that are motherhood…we just tend to keep the downs behind closed doors, because we’re so afraid of how others will judge us!
Here is some shocking research for you: According to Statistics Canada, 33% of mothers in Canada have concern about their mental health, and 23% of them experience feelings consistent with Postpartum Depression. These are hugely significant numbers; take these statistics as a sure sign that you are not going through this alone. (And – a sure sign that Canadian mothers need more support to look after their families).
What’s important to be aware of, is if you start to feel consistently off from your usual mood. All moms – and their family members – should know the signs and symptoms of PPD (postpartum depression) and do a regular check in with Mom to make sure she has all the support she needs.
All moms are different – but here are some of the more common signs and symptoms of PPD:
– Feeling depressed (unhappy a lot of the time)
– Anxiety (feeling nervousness, a sense of unease)
– A loss of interest in things that would normally bring you pleasure (including the baby)
– A change in weight or appetite (either loss or gain in weight)
– Mom can’t sleep when baby sleeps
– A reduced ability to concentrate or think clearly (made worse by sleep deprivation)
– Excessive feelings of guilt or worthlessness
– Thoughts of dying or suicide
I know this may hard to hear, but I do advise that you talk to your doctor as soon as possible. He or she is completely there for you, and can give you reassurance one way or the other. I just know you will feel better after you talk to them.
I also suggest that you find a therapist to talk to. I think everyone should go to therapy on a regular basis – but as a new mom, it’s more important than ever to carve out the time, and make sure you’re making yourself a priority.
In the meantime – here are some practical tips to help you and babe right now.
Tip 1: Good Feeds
Carrie Bruno, founder of the Mama Coach Ltd., recommends the MAMA method for breastfed babies. When baby wakes up from his naps, follow this pattern.
· Milk (Dinner – Desert)
· Activity (playtime, walk, diaper change, etc.)
· Milk (Dinner – Desert)
· Activity (bedtime/naptime routine, diaper change)
The “Dinner-Desert” feeding pattern is where you offer your baby most of his feed from one breast. When he seems like he’s done, press on that breast a few times to encourage more milk flow. If he is still finished after you try breast compression, go ahead and offer him the other side. He may or may not take it – either way is fine; just be sure to start on that side for the next feed.
The Dinner-Desert method helps make sure breastfed babies are getting both watery-foremilk and the fatty hind-milk. Babies need both to have full bellies and a good sleep!
This feeding pattern helps ensure your baby gets lots of milk during the daytime, so that they can have deeper/longer sleep windows at night.
The MAMA method also helps to break the link between breastfeeding and falling asleep immediately after. The more your baby grows accustomed to the sleep association of breastfeeding, the more difficult it is for others to put him down.
Instead – try feeding him (using the MAMA method) until he’s showing signs that he’s full; then, do a diaper change, a little cuddle and a song. If he cries when you put him down: Reassure him that mommy is right there if he can’t sleep. Leave the room with your monitor (or stand by the crib – you can rub his back gently if that seems to help) and wait five minutes.
If they are still crying – go back, hold them close to your neck, gently sway and make a shhhhhhh sound until they’re more calm. Place them down, and repeat for another five minutes. If they continue to cry – try skin to skin until they’re more calm, then offer another feed.
Repeat this sequence until he sleeps.
If you haven’t let baby cry to sleep before – it is going to be hard at first.
But trust me – it’s okay for baby to cry. It’s one of their main means of communication; it doesn’t mean they are suffering, and it does not make you a bad mother. If your fourteen-year-old daughter insisted on staying out past curfew, you wouldn’t agree with her just because she threw a temper tantrum, would you??
As long as baby is safe and their needs are met – it’s okay for them to cry when you lay them down to sleep. No need to Ferberize, if that isn’t your style, but do give them a chance to fall asleep on their own, and do go to them when your heart tells you to.
Following these steps, eventually you and baby will settle into a rhythm, and you’ll help set a foundation for good sleep for the entire household.
Tip 2: Good Sleep
It can be hard to know when babies need to sleep. But, as rule of thumb, babies older than 12 weeks should go to bedtime 12 to 13 hours after they wake up for the day. This means if they wake up at 6:30am, they should be tucked in for bed between 6:30 – 7:30pm.
If your baby wakes up at 5:30am – it’s best advised to brew a pot of coffee and start your day (sorry, non-early risers!). If they wake before 5:30am – try your best to coax them into another sleep cycle and start your day once they wake up again.
An under or over tired baby can be equally fussy and hard to put to bed. Watch the clock as well as watching your baby. Pulling ears, rubbing eyes, and yawning are hallmark signs they’re ready for a laydown. If he won’t settle and is still fussy after burping him and playing his favourite games (like showing the mirror or puppy) – you can be sure they’re tired and ready for a good sleep.
When a baby becomes overtired – rocking and patting can sometimes exacerbate an overstimulated and overtired baby. Wrapping them in a swaddle, holding them close to your chest, making a gentle shhhhhh sound is all they need. If this fails, you can set them down in a safe sleep space, and try the sleep routine we talked about above.
Tip 3: Get Help
It’s hard to ask for help – but you have to.
Ask your partner, friend, or neighbour to watch the baby, or take them for a drive. Sometimes, the greatest act of service we can do for our child is taking time to look after ourselves.
It’s amazing that you are breastfeeding exclusively! But I want you to know: It is fine to give the bottle a try. There are so many demands and pressures on women in the age of 2023. It is totally reasonable to let your partner take over a feeding or two in the twenty-four-hour cycle; it won’t disturb your milk flow, your partner will have valuable bonding time with babe, and – most importantly – you can have a chance at a restorative sleep (or go get that pedicure you desperately need).
Tip 4: Give Yourself Grace
Things are going to change from one day to the next. Such is parenthood.
Be flexible and listen to your baby. You don’t need to be strict or stringent with schedules if that isn’t your style – but it is good to have a target to move towards.
Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Reach out to other mothers and be honest about the experience you’re having. Once you admit that you’re struggling a bit, you’ll be amazed at the overflow of stories other mothers have about their own struggles. Let’s help one another by being honest about what we’re going through.
Some days are going to be absolutely great, and motherhood will be everything you dreamed of. And some days…you’re going to want to hide in a closet and pray to the heavens above for some kind of miraculous intervention to get you through the day.
Motherhood is not meant to feel good all the time. Motherhood will stretch you and bend you and break you in ways you never could have imagined. Motherhood is wonderful – and it’s also incredibly, relentlessly brutal.
Give yourself grace. Rest when you need it. Let your community help you to take a break…
I bet if you try a few of these tips, you’ll start to notice a shift, and start to reclaim a semblance of inner peace and some order within the household.
And remember, Dear Exhausted, feeling unwell during early motherhood is an incredibly common phenomenon. If this advice doesn’t feel like enough – reach out to your therapist, or ask a friend for a recommendation.
There is so much help out there today, and I know you’ll feel better if you unload some of your feelings and thoughts to someone who can truly listen to you.
Whew!
That’s a lot – but you’re going through a lot.
I recommend following the advice of healthcare professionals, as well as following your own gut, and doing what works best for you and your family.
Carrie Bruno and her company The Mama Coach is a fantastic resource for moms. Here is the website for a wealth of information: www.themamacoach.com
And remember – when it comes to you and your baby, nobody knows better than you do. Use the information that feels right for you, but most importantly – follow your instincts.
And in case nobody has told you today: You are doing an amazing job. You are such a good Mother, and I am so proud of you. Keep it up, love.
Love,
Carrie
