Clearing trees to make space for buildings like this, which will be a woodworking shop when it's completed, has been part of the help Nathan Phillips has been offering the River Valley Resilience Retreat. (Rob Mahon/paNOW Staff)

By Rob Mahon

Broncos Bus Responder

Humboldt Broncos first responder helping build, finding healing at River Valley Resilience Retreat

Aug 11, 2022 | 5:00 PM

Nathan Phillips was one of the first men on the scene of an accident that made the entire hockey world stand still in shock.

On April 6, 2018, he was a volunteer firefighter with the Tisdale Fire Department, and was among those who responded to the scene of the Humboldt Broncos bus crash.

On the way to the call, all Phillips knew at first was that there had been a collision between a semi-trailer and a bus. He put together that the Broncos bus had been involved, as they had been traveling to Nipawin at that time, but nothing fully prepared him for what he would see at the scene.

“I remember the words that went through my head were ‘How could something this bad have happened?’” Phillips said. “The next sentence I thought was, ‘This is going to hurt a lot of people.’ And I didn’t just mean the passengers. I was thinking and feeling the grief for hundreds of people right then.”

The enormity of the crash was almost paralyzing as Phillips said it was hard to know where to start in terms of his duties as a volunteer firefighter. But it was in those moments that some of the brighter parts of a horrible day emerged.

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“There was not really any way to maintain any sort of central command structure,” said Phillips. “Everybody pitched in and it was absolutely an amazing feeling. I remember one of the passersby that was there before we showed up, she was there helping one of the survivors. She said she watched and every first responder that walked up, whether they were fire, paramedics, or police, their step slowed right down and they all had the same stunned look on their face.”

Making the crash all the more personal for Phillips was that he had driven the Broncos’ bus himself in January. In that time he’d come away with a strong positive impression of the team, especially of their head coach, Darcy Haugen.

“He was just a really easy person to talk to,” Phillips said. “You meet people in life and either you feel connected right away or you don’t. It was just a very pleasant trip that I did with them. It was just a short trip from Humboldt to Melfort that I drove for them, but we had a really good visit before while the team was loading up. We talked about family.”

Though the scene of the bus crash hit him hard, Phillips said it was what happened next that hit even harder. After opening up emotionally at a meeting with several of his fellow volunteers, he found himself taken off the paging list for the department.

“I found out ten days after the accident,” said Phillips. “Prior to that, I thought we were allowed to show our emotion and we were encouraged to do so by peers, by experts that came in, by people with lived experience. So I was doing that and feeling really good, my life was carrying on, I was getting my obligations completed.”

After that, Phillips said he found himself excluded from several other healing events because he was not viewed as being part of the department any longer.

“To find that out later, that really hurt as well,” said Phillips. “It took me a while to understand, and I had to do a lot of reading, that the breach of trust is one of the worst things that can happen if that is one of the moral values that you hold inside. I went through some pretty strong periods of low self-worth, frustration, sadness. It really affected my life and I ended up developing a legitimate disorder and was diagnosed two and a half years later with that disorder.”

Through that poor treatment, Phillips came to understand just how important peer support truly is for those whose work exposes them to trauma. That understanding is part of why he appreciates the River Valley Resilience Retreat (RVRR) as much as he does.

“It’s a place that people can come to and just hang out, meet a few others, gain some peers, develop some friendships possibly, and not feel quite so lost and stuck in their own head,” Phillips said. “It’s a great place with walking trails, the river for recreational activity. It’s a good feeling. It’s something I can’t describe.”

Phillips has been doing a great deal of work on the grounds of the RVRR, notably clearing areas for future building sites. He spends a lot of time there now and hopes that his efforts will lead to more people doing the same.

“For me to be able to help here and volunteer some time, I brought my tractor here and I’ve been cutting some trails and doing some little projects here and there,” said Phillips. “I feel good. I’ve probably spent more time working here than I have on my own farm this summer, but I don’t feel good at home anymore, and coming here has been healthy for me.”

Away from the retreat, Phillips has become more open, not only with his experience with the crash but with his treatment afterwards. He recently appeared on an episode of Operation Tango Romeo, the Trauma Recovery Podcast. Talking about his experience hasn’t always been easy, but he realized very quickly it was necessary.

“I keep falling through a lot of cracks and I keep seeing where the system needs to be improved,” Phillips said. “Here I am, four and a half years later almost since the accident and I still haven’t received treatment from a psychologist. That goes to show right then and there that there’s some room for improvement.”

As he’s gone more public with his experiences, Phillips said there have been more people willing to reach out to him to share their own stories.

“I’m starting to realize that my experience is not unique,” said Phillips. “I’ve ran into pretty much every line of every career choice to do with emergency responding, corrections work, military. It’s the same old stories of pecking order or competition or stigma or repercussions. I know a lot of people have felt more comfortable talking to me about their experience because I have been so open about it.”

Phillips added he found the families of the crash victims to be among the most supportive people he’s encountered on his journey, and in many ways they’ve invited him to heal along with them.

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rob.mahon@pattisonmedia.com

On Twitter: @RobMahonPxP