Chistmasses Following Loss

The first half of this column are the words of welcome I shared with the assembly of people attending our annual Christmas memorial service.  It centers around the testimonial of an individual who has experienced significant loss and they share the experience of how they coped with Christmases following the loss.

“Welcome to this Holiday Tree of Memories Christmas Commemorative service.  December 21 is the shortest day and the longest night of the year.  We know what it feels like to be in darkness. Others have called it “the dark night of the soul” or “the winter of our discontent”.  We all know too well this time of year can bring back memories of past pain and sorrow.  It highlights and heightens new experiences of suffering.  For many, this time of year that we call the holiday season, is no holiday at all.  It is filled with difficult times, humps to get over, gatherings to endure, varieties of pressures and a flood of memories that can darken and dampen the days.  This service will allow for some time to recognize that this season is not a joy for everyone.  When others are going “merrily along” many of us would rather the season just go away.”

“In this service, we will be given the chance to sing and to pray, place a personalized memento on our tree of memories and importantly hear the story of someone who has earned the right to speak about past Christmases and be reassured that we are not alone in our darkness.  The theme of the service is the image of HOPE.  I hope you will see this service as our opportunity to give you a hand in finding peace, comfort and hope in knowing you are not alone.”

Here are some suggestions for some things you can do to help yourself cope with Christmas and the holidays.

If Christmas was the favorite time of the year, make it about celebrating the memory of your loved one and not just a celebration of the season. Light a memorial candle on the dinner table and hang the stocking as you usually would.

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Shop and donate. One of the things people say they miss is the chance to shop for gifts for their loved one.  Go shopping this year and instead of putting the gifts under the tree, share them by donating them to a shelter or charity.

Funerals are about honoring the life of someone who has died, but they are also the foundation for a healthy grief journey. 

A friend once compared her grief to an amputation.  She said that she would eventually learn to live with her loss as she would if she lost an arm, but the loss would be ever present. 

This Christmas, try and develop new traditions along with respecting the old, and in time you will find the crests and troughs of the waves of grief will calm and you too can have hope.

Cheers!