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Living ADHD – Relationships

May 8, 2017 | 8:14 AM

Living with ADHD symptoms is difficult enough for an individual. Being in a relationship with an  ADHDer or for an individual with ADHD is an adventure! ADHDers love the stimulation and brain chemistry associated with being in love. Not only that, their spontaneity, impulsivity, and activity often make the ADHDer attractive to prospective partners as nothing is ever boring, repetitive or predictable! Those same behaviors that are initially attractive can soon cause many issues for the partners in a relationship.

Each partner will have a totally different view of the issues. The non-ADHDer will often feel disrespected, neglected, overburdened with extra responsibilities picking up after the ADHDers mistakes, forgetfullness, or impulsivity. The non-ADHDer often feels not listened to or ignored. The partner often resorts to nagging, constantly trying to control and organize their partner’s behaviours, and assuming a strong parental relationship with their partners often with very little positive effect.

The ADHDer is also feeling equally frustrated by the nagging, feelings of ineptitude, and failure. Nothing one does ever seems to be good enough. Why can’t my partner ever give me a break? Can’t you see I am trying? What happened to all that fun and love we used to have?

The first step in improving the relationship is to acknowledge the role of ADHD in the relationship. Then both partners have to learn as much about ADHD as they can and develop actions to strengthen their ADHD coping skills.  One coping skill is to separate the ADHD symptoms and behaviors from the person.

 Another skill to learn is to see a problem or issue from the other’s point of view and communicate your understanding to your partner to check the accuracy of your interpretation. Each partner will have to learn to listen through the partner’s explanation without interruption or assumption until there is a clear mutual understanding. This is best not done in the middle of an argument but when both can sit down and discuss their feeling, expectations, and interpretations calmly.  Perhaps during an uninterrupted walk!

Be aware of developing a parent-child role within the relationship. Both partners have to learn to be adult in accepting responsibility for the relationship and the tasks and roles that come with a healthy relationship. Identify the strengths of the partners. Can roles be reorganized to suit the abilities and strengths of each partner without overwhelming one or the other?

Partners in a relationship need to remember that you can’t go back and fix the past, you can only go forward. Also doing the same old things “harder”  may only get the same results only bigger as you have gotten in the past. The key is learning to do things that cause problems DIFFERENTLY! Seeking relationship counselling to improve communications and problem solving skills can make a considerable change if the helper is aware of the ADHD elephant in the room! Seeking an ADHD coach may also help especially with learning to understand ADHD symptoms and behaviours as well as developing skills and processes to lessen their effects on the relationship.

If you are an ADHD person or a person who is part of an ADHDers life wants to improve the efficiency of their interactions with the ADHDer you are invited to the LDAS PA Branch ADHD support group that meets every second Wednesday evening from 7:30 to 9:00 pm at 1106 Central Ave. Please phone the LDAS office to pre-register 306-922-1071. Coaching is available for children and adults. You can also phone the office to arrange a meeting with LDAS staff to develop a one on one coaching plan to meet your individual needs.