Living With Uncertainty

We all live with uncertainty. There is nothing new here.

But when it really hits us in the face; when it comes right up and grabs you by the throat and the grip is tightening, then we really pay attention. I feel for all those out there who may be feeling that right now.

For the young man who just lost his brother of 44 to cancer this year and finds out yesterday that his grandmother past away suddenly, how does one face this first Christmas without these loved ones?

Do I know what I’m talking about? I think so. A couple of years ago at a routine yearly checkup my doctor said, “Dan, I’m really sorry to inform you that you have Leukemia”. Well there was the initial shock and the getting use to the idea that I was now living with a terminal illness. Again, nothing new here. We all live with a terminal illness. It’s called life.

Yes, we will all die. I will die someday, and I accept that truth. But now I was faced with the possibility that I would die sooner than hoped for and that this cancer would be the culprit. The cancer clinic said this type of cancer, while terminal, may not show symptoms for 15 or 20 years. I was good with that. That suits me just fine.

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Eight weeks ago I went to the doctor with what I thought was a kidney stone. It may have been but in the next two days a rash appeared and a visit to the clinic showed that I had shingles. That is nasty stuff! Get the vaccine if you can. Eight weeks later I’m still living with it and the pain is managed but why the swelling abdomen? Is this a result of the shingles?

Well, no, it’s not. It seems that the spleen has grown and is putting pressure on the stomach. This is a symptom of the Leukemia. Damn, it wasn’t supposed to rear its ugly head for twenty years. It came sooner than hoped for. What will this mean? I am not certain. A visit to the cancer clinic will reveal more and decisions will be made but what will this mean for Christmas and the grand kids coming? I a bot certain!

Will the chemo make me sick? I am not certain!!

Will I be a lousy “Grumpy” to all my grandchildren because the temporary cure is making me sick? I am not certain!

Will my children and their spouses be worried and their Christmas ruined because dad is going through this? I am not certain, again!

Well, life does have its quirks. None of us have a script. What comes, comes, and we live with it or we begin to die, at least in spirit if not physically. Because of what we celebrate as Christmas, I have hope, even in the midst of uncertainty. I can’t really say what others do.

Still living with uncertainty,

Dan http://www.fairhavensconsultants.ca/   .