Healthy Relationships

 An initial disclaimer :  The comments I am making in this presentation are about your average, typical relationship and please notice I did not use the term “ normal.” As all relationships are exceedingly unique, as unique as the two people that are in it.  However if a relationship carries within it , certain types of abuse or violence: be that physical, emotional, spiritual or sexual then this can not be tolerated and this relationship will need to be terminated even if temporarily and intervention will be required. If the relationship has elements of addiction or even harmful use of substances or gambling or pornography then again, this relationship needs to cease at least temporarily and an intervention is required. I will speak about where you can help at the end of this presentation.

Relationships are extremely complex and mysterious yet provide us with our most meaningful opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment. As human beings we often do not even know our own truest heart’s desire so when we move into relationship it is not surprising that miscommunication and conflict may arise.

Relationships are complex because we are balancing two very powerful human drives or desires, namely: the preservation of our own individual identity and pursuit of union/connection with another person. So there is one part in us that wants to please, cooperate and connect deeply with our partner. The other part of us has this strong desire to maintain our own individual identity, goals, preferences, beliefs, thoughts and feelings.

This is an on ongoing dynamic tension that exists in every relationship and we continuously walk this “balance beam.”  Thus striving to maintain a balance between these two drives. It is not surprising that we often fall off to one side or the other.

Maintaining this delicate balance becomes even more difficult when this person means a great deal to us and our objectivity may become distorted.

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As we become anxious or fearful of losing this person or being controlled by this person, the task of balancing our own needs/wants and the needs/wants of our partner can become even more challenging. We thus either end up trying to control the other or submit to the other or avoid and withdraw.

Notice the three options: control, be controlled or avoid/withdraw.

Often this anxiety is based on our own fears and insecurities that we may not even be consciously aware of and we end up projecting these fears/ insecurities on to our partner. These fears/insecurities often stem from our “Family of Origin” or experiences from previous relationships.

If you add ineffective communication skills to this lack of awareness (consciousness), it is not surprising that miscommunication, tension and conflict may occur.  

Let me illustrate with one quick example. The husband offers to fix the bathroom tub and completes the caulking that has worn out. His wife comes by and states that the one seam looks a “little rough and crooked”. The husband takes offense and gets angry at his spouse for her comment. They have a big argument. The husband has misinterpreted his wife’s comment/intention because he feels hurt for what he views as her being overly critical and attacking. However at a deeper level he thinks he has failed her as a husband and provider because his father and father in law could have easily fixed this bath tub and this is something he “should “ be able to do quite easily.

 Does his wife think he is a lousy husband and provider? 

She certainly does not think of him in this way! However he has perceived her comment as an attack on his view of what his own self –worth, self –concept and identity as a husband/provider should be. Notice the word “should.”

The dynamics in this one small example will illustrate the complexity of human relationships in that the husband’s own issues emerged and he has projected his own emotional pain on to his partner. Was he even aware of where these issues were coming from and if so how could he communicate this discomfort to his partner?

In many cases anger is released but the “primary” emotion underneath this anger is not communicated. Often this primary emotion is hurt or fear or guilt or shame. So the husband could have acknowledged his feelings of hurt to his partner and ideally what this feeling was connected to. This takes a great deal of self –awareness, trust, vulnerability and some basic communication skills.

Often these ineffective patterns of communication become entrenched in a relationship and take on a life of their own. These ineffective patterns are continuously repeated with both parties becoming very frustrated and eventually give up on the solving the issue. So the issue gets buried. This is not to say every single issue can be solved. Some issues require a stance of “agree to disagree.”

With a basic understanding of the “I statement” or “I message” (communication skills) the husband could have communicated his true feeling and what was going on for him.

 In order for relationships to work each party must be aware of their issues /insecurities /limitations and not project them on to their partner. Projection is the classic most often utilized defense mechanism. Ideally each person works on getting to know themselves very well and becomes willing to be responsible for their own issue /behavior and then chooses to express themselves in a respectful and assertive manner. This takes emotional maturity, honesty and courage. Relationships are not for the weak at heart.

Tips for healthy relationships :
It starts with you. Get to know, respect and honor yourself, your values, insecurities, cognitive distortions, fears, but especially your shortcomings and limitations. Accept your limitations and shortcomings. Develop a healthy relationship with yourself. Part of being human is that we have limitations.

Do not project your issues on to your partner.

Learn how to communicate your thoughts, feelings,needs/wants in a healthy, respectful, assertive manner. Two basic communication skills are the “I Message” and FEEDBACK.

View conflict as an important opportunity to work through issues, clarify values and re-energize the relationship. This is conflict without abuse, violence, threats and disrespect.

No dirty fighting – “hitting below the belt” for example no name –calling or bringing up issues from the past that are not relevant to current situation.

In the process of bumping into each other, we are truly bumping into ourselves “warts and all”. So as we bump up and run into each other, this will hopefully help smooth each other out and thus makes each person a “smoother and shinier human being”. At times the sparks may fly from all this grinding, but in the long run a more mature person and a more mature fulfilling relationship will emerge.

So it is important to look at the big picture, namely that conflict and miscommunication are very much part of building healthy relationships. It is how we get through that conflict and also to frame conflict in a way that views it as less negative but rather to view conflict as growth enhancing and skill building. Where else would you get such a wonderful opportunity to practice these skills?

Make time for having fun in your relationship. Fun is a very essential human need and helps create the emotional connection and joy in your relationship.

In summary, get to know yourself with an honest self –appraisal, don’t project your issues on to your partner, learn some basic communication skills and most important of all be KIND to each other. Show basic RESPECT for your partner.

If your relationship needs professional counseling help then you can contact a number of private therapists in the community (check the yellow pages in your phone book under counselling).

You can also check with Mental Health Services  and Catholic Family Services in Prince Albert.

 For issues of domestic violence please check the inside of the phone book under title page – Abuse Help Lines as this page has an extensive list of these resources.

The main thing is to reach out for help as help is available in our community. You are not alone.

Prepared by John Kreiser, counselor